


knockdown dragout

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Fluff, M/M, Nonbinary Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 17:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15442557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: stillstreetI think I might have a crush on one of my friends.#gremlin, #06.18.13





	knockdown dragout

**Author's Note:**

> it's been 84 years since i've posted a joshler oneshot

 

It's two in the morning, Tyler can't sleep, and he's found his way to some random blog on Tumblr that he doesn't recognize. He follows maybe twenty people, so the chances of him ending up on this blog, specifically, were slim to none.

The first post on the blog that he sees is an anonymous question, saying, _"What's the tag for your crush?"_ to which the person behind the blog replied with, _"I'll leave it in the tags_ _on this post_ _."_

Usually, Tyler wouldn't necessarily give a shit about someone's crush, but the tag piques his interest, to say the least. "Gremlin...? Who calls their crush _gremlin...?"_ It makes him laugh, because that's kind of a funny word that he hasn't heard in awhile, and it also tempts him to press on the tag, and to scroll all the way to the bottom of it so he could read it in chronological order, out of curiosity.

The first few posts are innocent enough.

***

**stillstreet**

> I think I might have a crush on one of my friends.

_#gremlin, #06.18.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> God, screw [redacted] for planting that seed in my brain. I didn't even consider that I may or may not have a crush on him, but now that he pointed it out, I'm, like, _positive_ that I do. Ugh.

_#gremlin, #06.19.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> So. He came over late to hang out with me because I was having a bad anxiety night. I'm trying so hard to not have a crush on him but he's not making it easy. Hm.

_#gremlin, #06.23.13_

***

Tyler looks at the dates that are tagged, and, _jeez,_ this person has had a crush on their mystery guy for awhile now. Five years? That's awhile. "God, I was sixteen when this person started posting about their crush," Tyler mutters as he rolls onto his stomach to get comfortable so he can read more.

***

**stillstreet**

> He kissed me
> 
> Fireworks were going off and he was happy and smiling and looked really nice and he kind of just kissed me? For no reason? I'm not complaining but wow. Ok. It wasn't a great kiss I guess but it was... definitely a kiss, that's for sure.

_#gremlin, #07.04.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> Ok if I don't have a crush then I'll be shocked.
> 
> He sent me a picture of himself, a selfie, as the kids would say (I'm 16 what am I talking about lol), and... wow. Ok. He's on vacation right now and he's tanned and ugh. :') I can't wait for him to get home so I can stare at him when we hang out.

_#gremlin, #07.11.13, #he's too hot for his own good._

 

**stillstreet**

> I went to the airport with the rest of our friend group to welcome him home and wow alright it's insane what going to Australia for a month will do to someone
> 
> He smelled great, and I know that sounds creepy, but ugh. I don't even know how to describe it. And! On top of that! He's wearing a cute shirt! Who gave him the right! (Pineapple print shouldn't look cute but he sure as shit knows how to work it.)

_#gremlin, #08.08.13_

***

Tyler's eyebrows raise at that last post. He finds himself rolling over in his bed, and opening his laptop, which is on the nightstand next to his bed, so he can send a message to one of his friends on Discord.

***

 **Tyler** 2:12 AM

Dude I found someone's blog and they have this massive tag for their crush, right? They just post about their crush and it's cute but uh

I think this blog belongs to someone that I know

They made a post about their crush being in Australia for a month back in 2013 and uh. I was in Australia for a month in 2013. They tag their posts with dates too and the posts talking about their crush being in Australia were tagged around the time I was there and I'm a little shook. Like who is this and why have they had a crush on my ugly ass for five years omg

 

 **bread** 2:15 AM

Isn't it like 2 AM in Ohio wyd

 

 **Tyler** 2:15 AM

Can't sleep. I'm gonna read this tag because I need to figure out who this is

***

Tyler opens the blog on his laptop before going back to his phone, so he can read their description, as if it'd give him any hints.

***

_in my 20s. they/them preferred. i like memes and i don't sleep._

***

"Oh, god damn it. That could be _any_ of my meme fucker friends." Tyler groans, and rolls back over to continue looking at that person's blog on his phone.

***

**stillstreet**

> he has a girlfriend

_#gremlin, #09.11.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> I know he's just affectionate but I kind of wish he wouldn't hug me while dating someone because it's giving me so many mixed signals. He would never cheat on someone least of all with my ugly ass and I hate myself for getting hopeful because his girlfriend is absolutely lovely.

_#gremlin, #10.15.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> UGH
> 
> One of my fucking dumbass friends threw a halloween party with seven minutes in heaven (or hell in my case) and I decided to play because he was playing and one of the times he spun the bottle it landed on me and he looked to his girlfriend for permission just like he has with anyone else except for me she was MORE than enthusiastic like... What? The fuck?
> 
> Anyways I made out with him and he's good at kissing.

_#gremlin, #10.31.13_

***

Tyler's quick about tugging his laptop into his bed and opening Discord again.

***

 **Tyler** 2:23 AM

Dude it's someone we both know

Who all did you invite to your halloween party in 2013

 

 **bread** 2:23 AM

??? How the fuck do you expect me to remember

 

 **Tyler** 2:24 AM

Please

It was someone I made out with at the party

 

 **bread** 2:25 AM

Tyler you made out with literally everyone at that party, including me.

Off the top of my head I only remember you, Jenna, Josh, D*bby, Spencer, Ryan, Jon, Pete, emo Ryan, and I think maybe blue hair Alex? Idk I'm unsure. There were more than that but those are the only ones I know.

 

 **Tyler** 2:26 AM

I snorted at you asterisking Debby lol

Ok so out of those I'm gonna rule out you, Josh, Jenna, and Debby. Even thinking that it's Josh is wishful thinking, Jenna's a lesbian and dating her didn't work out + this person talked about me dating her, and I haven't seen Debby in like... five years. Fuck, dude.

***

**stillstreet**

> I don't want _too_ specific about certain events on the off chance he ever finds this blog but um. Ok. Wow. Heart eyes. It's wild when someone cares about you. I know we're friends and all but sometimes I forgot that he cares about me.

_#gremlin, #11.02.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> I know I'm 16 and that I shouldn't say this but WOW are you ever in love with someone for doing the absolute bare minimum (He bought our friend group lunch and was extra considerate with what he got me. :D)

_#gremlin, #11.07.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> tonight's a shit night but he makes it all better somehow

_#gremlin, #11.15.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> She broke up with him and I feel sick for being a little happy about it. I mean I'm upset with him and for him because he's heartbroken over it but. Yeah. :/

_#gremlin, #11.20.13_

 

**stillstreet**

> Ok so today's his birthday and all of us went out to eat and it was a little weird since his ex girlfriend was with us but they're friends I guess so idk. We still had a good time and he was super happy that we all remembered it was his birthday but uh??? We all love him so much? Me especially? No one was gonna forget :( Oh and speaking of the devil he's texting me.

_#gremlin, #12.01.13_

***

"Okay, that's definitely me. I remember that birthday." Tyler lets out a breath. He's going to agonize over who this person is for _ages_ until he figures it out. He mentally kisses goodbye to the rest of his night, and any hope he had of sleeping.

***

**stillstreet**

> Apparently some of you are interested in my crush which is... weird
> 
> I've been busy because of holidays and finals and stuff but uh
> 
> Idk
> 
> I don't think it's going anywhere and I kinda like someone else at the moment? I still love him with every fiber of my being but I don't wanna like. Hope for something that's never gonna happen. I guess.

_#gremlin, #01.12.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> Cool so I lost my virginity
> 
> Not to my crush but uh
> 
> It felt wrong and I felt awful the entire time
> 
> It was consensual and all but I kinda just finished and went home and I cant help this inkling of a feeling that it should've been with him and not who it actually was which is fucked up I shouldn't be thinking about him like that especially if we aren't dating and if I'm dating someone else and if I'm not even supposed to have a crush on him anymore. I'm just like kinda sad.
> 
> Happy late Valentine's I guess.

_#gremlin, #02.15.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> And apparently all the person I was dating wanted from me was sex and since I wasn't into it & since they were satisfied with taking my virginity I got dumped so that's nice
> 
> I don't think I'm gonna tell anyone why we broke up but I am going to go nap in Gremlin's bed. Fml.

_#gremlin, #02.17.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> **Anonymous asked:** Have you ever thought about telling your crush how you feel
> 
> **stillstreet answered:** Yes and it fills me with the purest form of anxiety.

_#gremlin, #02.18.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> cool, so, murder me.
> 
> I think he's transphobic, or at least doesn't like NB people. I don't know if it's, like, lack of understanding or what but he made a very not okay joke today and I had to laugh at it because I didn't want him to get mad at me. (Not that he would? He's very nice.) This is fine.

_#gremlin, #03.27.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> omg lmao... Ok, so, ****'s a fucking hero. He outed himself to my crush as a trans guy after he heard the transphobic joke and my crush was like shockingly cool with it? He even apologized. Wow. Oh and now he's like researching trans stuff that's nice. Heart eyes, motherfucker.

_#gremlin, #03.27.14_

***

Tyler takes a minute to cringe at his seventeen year old self, and his short lived 4chan phase. He remembers making some _shit_ jokes and whoever this person is, he feels awful that he made them feel that way. Also, this does mean he can rule Pete out, because he remembers that Pete came out to him over that whole ordeal.

***

 **Tyler** 2:32 AM

I'm ruling Pete out. The person who has a crush on me said something about what lead up to Pete outing himself to me, so, I think it's safe to assume it's not Pete. Not that I thought it was anyways, though, since he's dating someone else.

 

 **bread** 2:32 AM

Tbh I'm like... kinda wondering who it is. My curiosity is also piqued.

 

 **Tyler** 2:33 AM

This person isn't getting specific about enough information that would let me pin it down? If I had to guess at this very moment I'd say either you, Mark, or maybe Dallon but I didn't know Dallon until 2015, and I know it's not you because your tumblr is pidginprince anyways.

 

 **bread** 2:34 AM

I was also dating Ryan in 2013/14 for a hot minute

***

**stillstreet**

> Hi sorry it's been a few months since I last updated y'all on my crush
> 
> He's had a boyfriend since April???? Liiike. Ok. Nice. Would be cool if it was me. But no. It's not. Anyways he's confirmed gay and he came out to me + a bunch of our friends yesterday.

_#gremlin, #06.19.14, #happy fucking belated birthday to me i guess, #i shouldn't be jealous like this but i am, #oh fucking well i guess!!!_

 

**stillstreet**

> I feel like throwing up I had to watch them kiss so much on the fourth :)))

_#gremlin, #07.5.14, #it's been a year and a month since ive had a crush on him, #suicidio me dude_

 

**stillstreet**

> They broke up and yet again I find myself being glad. I'm a terrible person lol.

_#gremlin, #08.08.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> oh my god I'm in GSA and he just walked in FML

_#gremlin, #09.14.14_

 

**stillstreet**

> to be fair i think all of our friend group is now out to him, including me. (for the most part. i'm not telling this whole ass group of people that i'm agender.)

_#gremlin, #09.14.14_

***

 **Tyler** 2:47 AM

They were in GSA with us in our senior year & they're apparently agender. I don't know anyone who is agender so I assume they're still not out to me or they ID as something else now

For fucks sake there were so many people in GSA with us

***

**stillstreet**

> I went to his basketball game tonight and wow he has a pretty singing voice. He sang the national anthem and, seriously, heart eyes.

_#gremlin, #10.11.14, #to be fair im only here because i promised one of the cheerleaders a ride home, #not that i dont love watching him play and supporting him but, #basketball aint my thing_

 

**stillstreet**

> i swear to god im going to fight everyone who wrongs him. if i ever see him crying like that ever again i will be so mad

_#gremlin, #its november idk im tired, #SO mad._

***

"What the fuck was I doing in November of 2014...?" Tyler frowns at his phone, and racks his brain for a few minutes, but, sadly, comes up with nothing. "If it was anything important... I'd probably remember." He shrugs, and scrolls up another post.

***

**stillstreet**

> not gonna be too specific since what i actually want to post is very identifying but um
> 
> wow. <3

_#gremlin, #12.01.14, #it involved cigarettes and a group of people., #also hes 18 now so i have access to cigarettes more often than i did_

 

**stillstreet**

> you never realize how beautiful someone is until you see them with snowflakes in their hair, & with their face all red from it being cold at five in the morning. holy shit. he looks like a woodland imp or something. he's so dainty and pretty i just wanna eat him up jesus christ

_#gremlin, #12.23.14, #if he ever finds this tag im going to die of embarrassment because that was super gay (i'm feeling masc today so allow it)_

 

**stillstreet**

> he gave me a really fucking good hug this morning and i want to cry. he smells super nice too. like cigarettes and fragrance which really shouldnt smell good but its ***** idk what we expect at this point. also some of you have been complaining about my typing going from proper to no caps no punctuation and honestly i dont care let me live

_#gremlin, #01.05.15, # <3_

 

**stillstreet**

> he got valentines for the entire friend group and i know he wrote little notes for everyone but the note he wrote for me specifically makes me want die it was so cute and i wish he was my boyfriend because i wanted to smooch his cute little face so bad

_#gremlin, #02.14.15, #this is an improvement from last year thats for sure._

 

**stillstreet**

> too identifiable so i won't get overly specific but he did something super nice for me today and i swear to god im in love with him it made my day

_#gremlin, #03.01.15, #ugh :') i almost kissed him for it too_

 

**stillstreet**

> i have a habit of not posting about him for months at a time oops
> 
> anyways i had one of my friends give me a tarot reading about him because i kind of feel like he likes me back? but i'm unsure. idk. basically the tarot reading told me i should talk to him but we all know i'm too much of a pussy to do that :)

_#gremlin, #07.23.15, #its been two years and im still head over fucking ass for him._

 

**stillstreet**

> we've been hanging out more since we graduated and ugh. its not helping my feelings at all. hes so soft and sweet and i really feel like he may like me back but idk for sure.

_#gremlin, #08.15.15_

 

**stillstreet**

> **Anonymous asked:** what's your favorite thing about your crush?
> 
> **stillstreet answered:** i love everything about him even his flaws. i dont want to suck my own dick or anything but like everything i feel for him is very pure and there isn't any one thing that makes me love him yknow. like ive seen him when he wakes up in the morning and if anyone can see that and still love him then you know the feelings are real. he has some rank morning breath.

_#gremlin, #08.15.15_

***

 **Tyler** 3:02 AM

Ok so whoever it is they've been around me in the mornings and have smelled my morning breath. There's plenty of people who've done that. Also just from reading their posts they seem really sweet and whoever they are they were close to me at one point or another, maybe they still are, idk.

***

**stillstreet**

> **Anonymous asked:** what makes you think hes gonna want to date a tranny lol
> 
> **stillstreet answered:** i know youre being an asshole but honestly idk all i can do is hope that if i ever get the courage to not only come out to him but ask him out he's ok with it

_#gremlin, #08.15.15_

 

**stillstreet**

> Oh he looks so fucking cute in his Ohio state basketball uniform. fuck me.

_#gremlin, #10.17.15, #i mean i wouldnt be AGAINST him fucking me but i mean like. metaphorically. god hes so cute._

***

 **Tyler** 3:10 AM

Hey you haven't secretly had a crush on me for 5 years or anything have you

 

 **Mark** 3:11 AM

No

I'm not gay

Even if I was you wouldn't be my type. I want a bear, not a gangly twink.

 

 **Tyler** 3:12 AM

Just making sure

***

 **Tyler** 3:13 AM

It's definitely not Mark E.

Probably not Hoppus either

 

 **bread** 3:15 AM

It ain't Hoppus he's straight.

 

 **Tyler** 3:15 AM

I NEED TO KNOW WHO IT IS SO BAD >:'(

***

**stillstreet**

> our friend group had thanksgiving together and it was so sick. my crush brought over some awesome food that he made himself and it's like... is there anything he cant do? he can sing and play so many instruments, he's athletic, and he can cook, not to mention he's smart?! who is he!!!

_#gremlin, #11.30.15, #he's definitely husband material wow_

 

**stillstreet**

> for another year i can't explain what went down on his birthday just know he had a good birthday and i love him more than life

_#gremlin, #12.1.15, # <3_

 

**stillstreet**

> god damn it he has another boyfriend

_#gremlin, #01.14.16, #fuck, #i was going to ask him out too, #i'm gonna go have a cry i guess._

***

 **Tyler** 3:20 Am

Ok so the only reason I had a boyfriend early 2016 was because I was too scared to try asking Josh out/he never asked me out like I thought he was going to and at that time this person posted something along the lines of "I was going to ask him out but he has another boyfriend" and part of me wants to hope it's Josh because at this point it'd make sense but Josh is SO far out of my league

 

 **bread** 3:21 AM

I hope it is just so y'all can quit pining for each other

***

**stillstreet**

> oh boy his boyfriend isn't the best person :'/

_#gremlin, #03.01.16_

 

**stillstreet**

> i just want to scoop him up and hug him tight he doesnt deserve this shit jesus christ

_#gremlin, #05.09.16_

 

**stillstreet**

> **Anonymous asked:** Hey is gremlin ok? Your last few posts about him were worrying
> 
> **stillstreet answered:** he's ok! his last boyfriend was a major asshole but they broke up and he's doing a lot better now.

_#gremlin, #06.17.16_

 

**stillstreet**

> ^ this is how he makes me feel.

_#gremlin, #07.04.16, #i've been too obvious lately._

 

**stillstreet**

> here's to three-ish years to my unrequited crush if i was 21 i'd propose a toast of champagne but all i can do is redbull lol

_#gremlin, #07.04.16_

 

**stillstreet**

> we hung out today and got super stoned with a few other friends of his (+ one of our own friends)
> 
> it was my first time doing the Devil's Lettuce and he took care of me and i know it was like basic fucking decency & the bare minimum but ugh. it made my heart throb. i don't remember much about being high but i do remember him touching my hair and letting me cuddle with him and hhh :'(

_#gremlin, #10.02.16, #ugh_

***

Tyler knows _exactly_ what this person is talking about and at the moment he has a fairly fucking good idea of _who_ it is but even then he's doubting himself. He decides to not message any of his friends about it, and instead continues reading the posts.

***

**stillstreet**

> i'm like done being not specific if he finds out then he finds out but anyways i just. we got high for his birthday because his parents found out that he's gay and wouldn't let him come home nor would they celebrate his birthday so y'know. we got high and we made out in my bedroom and i fell asleep with my head on his chest and this is super fucking gay but i felt like my heart was gonna explode partially because i was fucked up on indica also because there's so much love in my heart for this boy

_#gremlin, #12.2.16, #im hungover and he's making breakfast for me in his underwear god i fucking love him, #it feels sort of like we're dating but idk :/ i dont wanna make any assumptions., #when i asked him why he's cooking he said he has to take care of his boy, #it kinda made me dysphoric because im kinda not feeling very masc today so far but, #it was really sweet and wow, #honestly these tags could just be a post of their own._

 

**stillstreet**

> merry christmas! guess who got kissed under misteltoe like five hundred fucking times! he was being so CHEEKY about kissing me under that goddamn misteltoe because i kept blushing like a dumbass fifth grader and its like he knows i have a crush on him but at the same time he's kind of a dumbass and is bad at knowing how people feel about him so i just??? im too scared to ask him out still though even though im pretty sure i have nothing to be worried about

_#gremlin, #12.25.16, #my parents think we're dating even though ive explained so many times we aint and that im just super gay for him._

 

**stillstreet**

> AH FUCK HE KISSED ME ON NEW YEARS THIS YEAR AND I KNOW WE WERE BOTH KINDA DRUNK ON CHAMPAGNE AND ALL BUT IT WAS REALLY NICE AND WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND WOKE UP TOGETHER AND FUUUCK IM GONNA BE SO HEARTBROKEN IF THIS DOESNT TURN INTO ANYTHING

_#gremlin, #1.1.17, #fuck typing the zeros in the dates idk why i used to do that, #big sigh big sigh big sigh big sigh_

 

**stillstreet**

> im going to die he sent me flowers at work who is he
> 
> though he no homoed me pretty hard. "hey you're the love of my life, no homo."

_#gremlin, #2.14.17, #fuck_

 

**stillstreet**

> fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck YOU fuck you.

_#gremlin, #3.7.17, #fuck you tyler_

 

**stillstreet**

> god fucking damn it every time i think its going to go somewhere he FUCKS OFF AND DATES SOMEONE ELSE fuck fuck fuck fuck im so mad but im so sad and heartbroken and i need to go punch stuff fuck im going to the gym

_#gremlin, #3.7.17, #fuck. you., #you do this every fucking time_

 

**stillstreet**

> back from the gym not as pissed but like ten times as sad
> 
> i dont even know if he does it on purpose but he basically makes me fall in love with him and makes my feelings intensify tenfold and then he just goes and dates someone else i hate it and im starting to fuckign cry about it mim so upset

_#gremlin, #3.7.17, #stop fucking with me like this_

 

**stillstreet**

> i havent talked to him for a month i feel so bad but i cant look at him without wanting to cry every time i see his icon pop up on my phone i just start getting sad and upset and i feel so bad we're best friends or we're supposed to be but im so heartbroken over this shit and i wish i wasnt because we weren't even together but he made me feel like we were and i dont know what the fuck i was supposed to think but whatever its fine. i think im gonna go over to his dorm today idk :/

_#gremlin, #4.10.17, #hm._

 

**stillstreet**

> he asked me why i havent talked to him in a month and i just said "i was just really depressed" which isnt far from the truth if we're being fair but lol oops. he bought it though and gave me a hug. we then sat on his couch and watched stuff but no cuddling happened so. big sad over that. :/

_#gremlin, #4.11.17, #i know i said i was gonna go to his dorm yesterday but i wasnt feeling it_

 

**stillstreet**

> cool so his boyfriend doesnt like me lol

_#gremlin, #4.21.17, #i seriously need to get over him but i literally never will._

 

**stillstreet**

> well. shit.
> 
> honest to fucking god really didn't expect THAT turn of events.

_#gremlin, #5.10.17_

 

**stillstreet**

> **Anonymous asked:** What happened with your crush
> 
> **stillstreet answered:** he broke up with his boyfriend over him not liking me. i didnt expect that to happen given my shit luck as of late. i feel bad but at the same time the dude was an asshole to me so idk.

_#gremlin, #6.4.17_

 

**stillstreet**

> he kissed me on my birthday yesterday and it. was nice. but it was bittersweet in a way because like. i KNOW it's never going to turn into anything. he kissed me though and we hugged for awhile and laid in our undies and watched a bunch of my favorite movies because we couldn't afford to do anything extravagant this year. it was weird though like idk. the kiss felt like it had emotion behind it? i guess? every time he's kissed me it's felt like that but this time it was kind of different. we were standing on the balcony of my apartment and he like took my face in his hands and kissed me really slow and sweet and it was as the sun was going down so the lighting was romantic and jesus christ i've been in love with him for like four years now :'/

_#gremlin, #6.19.17, #happy crush anniversary i've got it baaad_

 

**stillstreet**

> okay it's been like four months since i last posted about him/really even used tumblr mostly since i've just been busy but in regards to most of the asks i've gotten -- we've basically just been teetering on the edge of romantic and platonic. it might be my anxiety speaking but i kind of just feel like we just have no boundaries rather than him liking me, especially given our history. at this point i've accepted that im just like super in love with him and that nothings ever going to come of it and im ok with it.

_#gremlin, #10.27.17_

 

**stillstreet**

> we made out on halloween again. throwback to being 16.
> 
> we were wearing face paint and everyone gave us shit because when we came back our mouths and general like mouth areas were SMUDGED as FUCK. we still aren't together though.

_#gremlin, #11.1.17_

***

 **bread** 4:27 AM

Did you figure out who it was yet

 

 **Tyler** 4:30 AM

yeah

I took a half hour break when I found out and I keep having to take few minute breaks every time I read a post i feel so fucking bad

 

 **bread** 4:32 AM

Who is it

 

 **Tyler** 4:35 AM

Josh

I didn't know he liked me so much

Or they?

I don't know

Fuck

***

**stillstreet**

> AH FUCK AH FUCK AH FUCK
> 
> (Hey guys--semi-proper grammar stillstreet is back!) Sometimes when I'm feeling extra dysphoric I like to wear like androgynous stuff or just. Girly things maybe IDK anyways point is he walked into my apartment because he has zero (0) boundaries and saw me in THE girliest outfit ever and I didn't know how to explain it to him other than "Uh I like wearing skirts sometimes. Sorry bro?"
> 
> He was cool about it but uh. Holy shit.
> 
> I feel like throwing up I was so afraid I was going to have to out myself or something

_#gremlin, #2.2.18_

 

**stillstreet**

> Oof. He got me flowers again for Valentine's, except he didn't no homo me?
> 
> "love u" is what his card said.

_#gremlin, #2.14.18_

***

Tyler tries scrolling up after that, only to find that the next post is the ask that he originally saw. It's not like he expected there to be many more posts, given it's _March_ and the last one before the ask was posted barely a month ago.

It takes him two hours of pacing around his apartment before he's opening Facebook Messenger on his phone, and typing--then _retyping_ numerous messages to Josh, before settling on possibly one of the vaguest messages ever.

***

 **Tyler Joseph** \- 6:09 AM

Hey. We really need to talk. It's nothing bad, by the way, but, um. Yeah. We reeeallyyy need to talk.

 

 **Joshua Dun** \- 6:27 AM

I love you and all but uh

Perhaps could you have tried sending this to me around noon or something so I didn't have to go to work thinking about it.

(I'm not mad but you're getting HELLA side-eye from me right now, bro.)

 

 **Tyler Joseph** \- 6:30 AM

I'm sorry I've been awake all night and wanted to send it before I went to bed :( ♥

***

It's seven in the evening, and the two of them are standing on Josh's balcony having a smoke together. Josh holds their cigarette just off the edge of the balcony to flick ashes off of it, and Tyler has to take a minute to admire how goddamn endearing the chipped black fingernail polish on their nails is.

"What was it we needed to talk about?" They mutter around a cigarette, eyes looking tired and stressed and, alright, Tyler feels guilty because he's sure they were worrying all day.

Tyler doesn't say anything for a good bit, before deciding to say, "I found someone's Tumblr."

Josh tenses up and he hesitates for a second before saying, "Go on."

"Um. Someone I follow... They follow this person, and I went on their blog because I thought their URL was cool, and someone sent them an ask about their crush, right? They asked what the person's tag for their crush was, and I saw that the tag was something funny, and it made me laugh because, like, it was two and I'm stupid when I'm tired. I thought it was interesting as well, so I, like, scrolled all the way to the bottom of their tag.

"Their posts were all dated and the first post in the tag was from 2013, which was like... _wow,_ because, damn, that person is dedicated for having a crush on the same person for five entire years. The first few posts were seemingly innocent and I thought they were cute, but I got to, like, post six, and I realized that the person they're talking about is _me,_ so I was like, _"Oh shit, I gotta dig a little deeper!""_ Tyler does his best to add a raspy sort of lilt to his voice, trying hard to mimic Charlie Day. Josh does laugh, even if it's a nervous and anxiety filled laugh.

"I got through three-ish years worth of posts before realizing _who_ the person was, and I just... I'm so sorry, Josh. I don't--I don't know what else to say."

"Is that--is that your way of telling me it's, uh... unrequited?" Josh's voice is an octave higher than it usually is. "I mean I understand. I'm not--I'm nothing special. I'm just... Josh."

"No! That is _not_ my way of telling you it's unrequited. I meant that I'm sorry for dicking you around for the past, like, five years. And--and I'm sorry for reading through that tag like that, but I just--I didn't know it was you, but then I found out that the person's crush was _me_ and I couldn't stop reading even though it was totally a massive breach of privacy and I feel _awful_ about snooping so hard, and about how I've been treating you, apparently, because of me generally just being an idiot."

"How much did you see?"

"All of it," Tyler sighs and looks away after saying that. He flicks ashes off of his own cigarette and takes a long drag before continuing. "I thought the person was gonna just end up being someone stupid, like fucking... _Mark_ or something, someone who I'm not overly close to, but as I kept reading the person kept posting like... specific things that only you or a handful of other people would know, so... Y'know."

"I'm sorry." Tyler can hear Josh's breath hitch, and, god, he feels so fucking guilty now.

"No, don't. I wasn't meant to see any of it. You're like--you're allowed to have a private place to vent like that, especially since I'm such an _ass,_ and I really didn't mean to find it."

"Did you, uh... see my blog description...?"

"The pronoun thing?" The two of them make eye contact for the first time since the conversation started.

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I saw. I, uh, also saw something where you said you were agender...? It was also from, like, 2014, though, so... I dunno."

"I don't, uh, really identify as that anymore...? Someone pointed out that agender is, like, a lack of gender I guess. I have days where I feel more masculine or feminine or androgynous or _whatever,_ rather than a general lack of gender, I _guess,"_ Josh is waving their hands around a little bit and rambling because they're nervous and Tyler really feels like a dumbass for not realizing sooner that, um, _duh,_ the feelings are mutual, as they continue, "I really dislike labels but, uh, whenever someone asks I usually just tell them that I'm, like, nonbinary...?" Josh's voice raises in pitch as that they end that last sentence, sounding nervous and unsure. "I get it if that's weird."

"Um, honestly, it's not actually that weird to me, and given some stuff, I can't really say I'm _that_ surprised?" Tyler shrugs and looks away again, face a little red.

"It's just that, uh, a lot of people I've told in person don't take me seriously since I'm not some androgynous little flower prince--"

"Hey, dude, you don't owe me an explanation. Like, I'll take your word for it, okay?"

"See! This is why I like you! You're always so _cool_ about shit like this."

Tyler shrugs them off, smiling a little stupidly to himself. "I can't, um... promise I'll be good at remembering about pronouns, because I fuck up a lot, and lord knows how long it took me with _Peter,_ but, uh--I've already been trying my best...? Also I--I kinda accidentally outed you to The Forehead because I was talking to him while I was looking at your blog."

"The Forehead already knew. It's--it's fine. Anyways--enough about that. Where does this, uh, leave us...?"

"Well--"

***

_**skeletonboy submitted:** _

> ^ me trying to figure out who you were last night

_#gremlin, #3.22.18, #i'm going to fucking fight you tyler omg_

 

**stillstreet**

> update on my crush: he found my blog a few nights ago (on accident), read through the entire gremlin tag, and uh. we're dating now. and we've been dating for like maybe a day now but i'm positive i've never been so in love with someone before

_#gremlin, #3.23.18, #it only took five years_

 


End file.
